You Think You're an Active Listener, But Are You?

CONSIDER THIS
Active Listening is not Silence

One of the biggest misconceptions about active listening is that it's synonymous with silence.

Many believe that simply not speaking qualifies as active listening. However, true active listening is an engaged and dynamic process. It involves not only hearing the words being said but also understanding the emotions and intentions behind them.

It's about making the speaker feel seen and understood, not just heard.

[😋And remember, if you think listening is hard, try doing it with your mouth open – it’s not a sound strategy!]

SKILLS SPOTLIGHT
You Think You're an Active Listener, But You're Doing It All Wrong

Most of us have been taught the basics of active listening - make eye contact, don't interrupt, repeat back what you heard, ask clarifying questions, etc. Check all those boxes, and you're a great listener, right?

Not quite. Active listening is the baseline, but there's a deeper level of present, intuitive listening required to truly understand someone and make them feel heard.

Typical Myths:

• Listening is passive - As long as you're not speaking, you're listening effectively.

• It's just about comprehending words - If you can parrot back what was said, you've got it.

• Questioning shows listening - The more you ask for details, the more attuned you are.

I would argue that active listening is more about conscious listening. The next level is full-body listening - being immensely present to absorb not just words, but context, energy, and implied meaning.

One of my most transformative experiences was having a listening mentor who could make me feel like the only person in the world through their undivided presence. It made me realize how seldom I'd truly felt that way before.

Let’s Debunk the 5 Active Listening Myths I Come Across Most Often

1. Myth: Active Listening Means Agreeing with the Speaker

• Reality: Active listening is about understanding the speaker's perspective, not necessarily agreeing with it. It's possible to fully comprehend and validate someone's viewpoint without sharing it.

2. Myth: Active Listening Doesn't Require Any Response

• Reality: Active listening involves interactive engagement. Responses such as nodding, paraphrasing, and asking relevant questions show the speaker you're processing and valuing their message.

3. Myth: Good Listeners Make Great Active Listeners Naturally

• Reality: While being a good listener is a fantastic start, active listening skills require deliberate practice and development. It's about evolving from passive reception to active engagement.

4. Myth: Active Listening Is Only About the Words Being Said

• Reality: Active listening also involves picking up on non-verbal cues like tone of voice, facial expressions, and body language. These often communicate more than words alone.

5. Myth: Active Listening Is Easy

• Reality: True active listening can be challenging. It demands focus, patience, and the ability to temporarily suspend your judgments and responses. It's a skill that requires continuous cultivation.

So how can you ditch these active listening myths and become a true master listener? A few key strategies:

1. Focus on the emotional undertones, not just the literal words. What's the real, underlying message?
   

2. Reflect back your interpretation of the core meaning. "It sounds like you're feeling..." or "What I'm hearing is..."
   

3. Ask questions that prompt deeper sharing, not just factual details. "Can you say more about...?" or "What was that like for you?"
   

4. Check your intentions. Are you listening to understand or to respond? Aim for empathy, not just strategy.
   

5. Embrace silence. Don't rush to fill every gap. Give the other person space to process and share.

When you strip away the myths and master the art of true active listening, you'll be amazed at how your influence and relationships transform. I would argue it’s a pillar of gaining deeper respect, trust, and the ability to motivate and connect with others. No gimmicks, just genuine human connections.

Embrace These Two Principles for Elevating Your Listening:

1. Seek to understand the emotion and intent behind the words. Listen beyond just comprehending by being radically present.

2. Adapt your emotional mirroring to show you've received the full message. Matching energy and body language is true attunement.

You may "hear" what someone is saying, but you don't fully listen until you grasp the underlying meaning and human experience behind it.

Oh, and accountability never hurts. Find an accountability partner to give you candid feedback on your listening during conversations. Get rid of any ingrained habits that compromise presence.

LINKS
Not To Be Missed Links This Week

• The Art of Active Listening (Video): The art of active listening involves a host of other skills every leader must know. Link

• You’re Not Listening: What You’re Missing and Why It Matters (Book): A great exploration of why we’re not listening, what it’s doing to us, and how we can reverse the trend. Link

• Active Listening in Leadership (Research): Investigation of the role active listening plays in effective leadership. Link

• Practical Exercises for Active Listening: Engage with exercises designed to sharpen your listening skills. Link

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